163 Why You Choose to Be a Perfectionist

Hey, this is Anne with your Coaching on the Go. 

We are continuing to talk about rules because it’s so, so fun, right? 

We are talking about these rules because it’s the foundation of how you operate. 

If you discover on a regular basis that you’re doing something that you say you wouldn’t do anymore, or that you don’t like, or that someone else used to do to you or around you and you hated it, and you’re repeating it, it’s likely in your rules. 

It is likely in those rules that you chose to adopt by default, that you didn’t put thought into, you just accepted. 

This week I’m going to go deeper and talk about a variety of different types of rules. 

We are going to go deep starting with rules around perfectionism.

If you find yourself every so often saying you are a perfectionist, procrastinating because you’re a perfectionist, you get to look at your rules around it. 

If you are rude, inconsiderate, or demanding of other people and blaming it on perfectionism, we get to talk about that. 

I have a little perfectionist thing that I discovered in the last ten years or so.

As the holidays drew near, I would start to plan for the holidays, and discovered that just after I started getting sick.

I was exhausted.

Pretty soon I would be exhausted even in the middle of the holiday.

In the last decade, I would get sick even before the holiday, even before I started planning the holiday, when I started thinking of it.

It was rooted in perfectionism, that I gave myself no wiggle room in how perfect, organized, and delicious my holiday meal was going to be. 

It was going to be better than anybody’s, always. 

It was going to be a rare treat nobody could surpassed in my family.

I didn’t even know that it was like that until I started looking at repetitively getting sick, and what it was about. 

When you have a perfectionistic tendency, look at what it’s protecting you from, or what the root of it is.  

What is it really about? 

What is it for? 

As I started to look in, it had two sides.

One side was that I had a grandfather I adored, that created incredible meals and Christmases and holidays for us. 

Once he left, I missed him so much, and I longed to keep our family together. 

I longed to keep those traditions.

No one else wanted to keep them on that level. 

I was trying to keep my loved one alive in that way.

There are some beautiful things about it, but challenging as well. 

I wanted to serve my family with love and I had lots of rules set up around how that had to be. 

It had to be harvested by me, homemade, and fresh.

I was super demanding of myself around what had to be produced there. 

When I looked even deeper, I saw some ugly things. 

I wanted to be known for being the best, and creating the best.

It was linked to me needing feedback, needing to be acknowledged, and that is about worthiness. 

If you are not stabilized within yourself, you look outside for people to confirm your value and significance.

Within my big family I felt like one of many, and wanted to stand out.

There are things about it that are loving and incredible, and also about insecurity. 

I started to reframe those things, not because I initially learned about these rules, but because I got sick over not being able to keep escalating the perfectionism that was around this event, to the point where I had to look into it. 

Once I did, it shifted my family events, health, and the way I included family members, and I stopped competing. 

It shifted the way I see the giftedness in others, and I allow myself to enjoy the giftedness in myself without having to be gifted at everything.

There was a domino effect of positives around looking at the motivation behind the perfectionistic rules that I created for myself that were so tough on me and not enjoyable in some ways for others. 

When you look at the things in your life, what do you not settle around? 

What in your life are you particular with yourself or others about, or critical about, and you have created rigidity in the form of perfectionism?

Take a look at that today. 

Take a look at what’s underneath that. 

I gave you a massive example just now, but what is underneath a story of perfectionism(or procrastination) for you? 

I’d love to support you in liberating that by shifting some rules today. 

Look at the essence of the rules. 

What can you shift even if it’s a good rule, like mine about creating a beautiful meal for people I love? 

What can you tweak and shift to make your life a more beautiful place for you and the people around you?

For the rest of the week, I am digging into some other aspects of the rules you have and why they are created so you can do some more auditing and shifting. 

Have a beautiful day.